“You have to be authentic with yourself before you can be authentic with others.” ~Joe Contrera
* Years ago when I was married, my wife and I were going through a rough patch, and so we separated for a while. After a short time, we reconciled, and in celebration of our decision, we threw a party. At that point, my life was pretty compartmentalized because I felt the need to keep all my facades (faces) very far apart.
My church friends were separate from my work colleagues, who were separate from my in-laws, who were… You get the picture.
I’ll never forget walking outside onto the patio at our get-back-together celebration with a pitcher of margaritas while I was hearing bits and snippets of all the conversations taking place.
To my right was my dear elderly friend Helen, whom I met when she first read my tarot cards. She was smoking a cigarette and deeply engaged in a conversation with Susan, a very conservative Christian woman from my church who was married to my friend Steve. I can still see the word bubbles over their heads.
Susan: “So how did you meet Joe?”
Helen, in her raspy, throaty, smoker’s voice: “Well, if you must know the truth, I read his ta-roooooooo carrrrrrrrrrrrrds.” The words just hung there in slow motion over their heads as if time and space had grinded to a screeching halt.
Like George Costanza in a bad Seinfeld episode, my worlds were colliding, my life was blowing up, and they were killing independent Joe! I turned to the left where my friend Phil, from my men’s group, was explaining a little bit about our group retreats to my brother-in-law Bruce, my wife’s older, overly protective brother who never really liked me. Did I mention both he and his brother were cops?
I swear I heard Phil finishing his sentence with “…running naked through the woods!” Of course I’m sure that wasn’t what was being spoken…it’s just what I heard!
The walls that I had constructed to keep me safe and separate were crumbling all around me. I was exposed!*
Inauthentic & Out’ve Integrity
The truth is, I was out of integrity.
Why? Because my life wasn’t integrated. Who I felt I could act and be with one group or person, wasn’t who I felt I could be with others. It was insanity!
The truth was that my level of genuineness and authenticity was in the toilet. AND (that’s a big and) I was exhausted trying to keep all the versions of me intact.
Be Yourself!
There is only one you and you deserve to be the best version of yourself.
Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everybody. That is just a fact of life, accept it!
If other folks don’t like you, sure take a look and ask yourself, are you being a jerk or inconsiderate of others? If so, then change and do better!
However, if you have to change who you are around others to please them or to not offend them, maybe you need to move on.
Relationships will come and go throughout your life. Knowing when and how to hold onto them is important. More important, is knowing when to cut them lose and to let them go!
As Oscar Wilde once said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken!”
Being inauthentic to please others or out’ve fear of losing a relationship will cost you and your integrity dearly.
Trust me when I say It isn’t worth the cost!
And that’s all I have to say about thaaaaatt…
Until next time!
*Excerpt from Joe’s Book, Extraordinary Results
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