“If you are in a leadership position, any you avoid conflict, speaking the truth (facts), or giving feedback, you might want to consider a different position!” ~Joe Contrera
For more than two decades I have had the privilege of helping leaders develop their leadership and coaching skills.
And yet…I am still amazed at the large percentage of leaders who either avoid conflict, are afraid to speak the truth, or are afraid to give feedback (either good and especially not-so-good) unless it is in a performance review.
This failure to communicate in an open and honest way harms both parties, because it is one of the key deterrents in building relational capital, also known as trust.
Before I go on, let me say I am not talking about bludgeoning someone with your opinions where you do all the talking. I am talking about having an honest and open conversation with another person where you seek to understand before attempting to be understood.
This applies to vendors, employees, colleagues, business partners, and personal relationships, regardless of how uncomfortable it is for you.
Why? Because…
It’s Not About You…
When you give feedback or are having a conversation where reciprocity in sharing is taking place the most important thing to remember is the focus is not on you! It is about the other person and what they need, or the relationship.
In other words you need to bracket your fear, emotions, and opinions and put them to the side. If you make the conversation about you, you will end up taking things personally and focusing on your own needs and ignoring the needs of the other person.
The objective is to focus on hearing the perspective of the other person, before sharing your thoughts, opinions, judgments, etc..
If it is about feedback with an employee then it is about holding up a mirror for them to see the obstacle that’s getting in their way.
Avoiding a difficult conversation because YOU are uncomfortable makes you a self-centered leader because you’re more concerned about your need to feel comfortable, safe, etc..
Healthy Conflict is CriticalIy Important in Every Relationship
While we’ve been talking mainly about business relationships, however, the same principals apply to personal relationships as well.
I have noticed that my closest friends (high trust levels) are open to and even ask for feedback. I also know that when I need to look at an issue, I have a group of friends who are not afraid of speaking their truth. I also know if I have a reaction to what they’re saying, I am more-than-likely taking it personally (as criticism), instead of embracing it as an area I need to pay attention to (as feedback).
One of the areas I see this unfolding is the relationships between spouses, partners, or family members. I have seen spouses walking around on egg-shells or shifting their personalities around their significant other or family members, because they fear the conflict that may arise if they spoke what they really wanted to say.
Not only is this disingenuous, it is hurtful to both parties, and just like in business, it erodes any potential for trust.
So how do you know if you are a conflict avoider?
7 Signs That You’re Avoiding Conflict
- If you have to have an uncomfortable conversation, but you have to get angry so you can power up beforehand, you’re avoiding healthy conflict and replacing with with unhealthy conflict.
- If you have been putting off having a difficult conversation more than twice, you’re avoiding conflict.
- If you walk-on-eggshells around an employee, a colleague, or your partner, spouse, family member, etc. you’re avoiding conflict.
- If you find yourself playing out scenarios in your head over and over again to prove you are right and the other party is guilty, you’re probably avoiding conflict.
- If you feel the need to sugar-coat something and be overly nice because you’re afraid of how the other person will react, you’re avoiding conflict.
- If you would rather send an email, a text, or wait till their performance review, you’re avoiding conflict!
- If you find yourself changing your personality around others for fear of creating conflict, you’re probably avoiding it!
I once heard someone say they learned that when you have to give feedback that is unhealthy, you give them a s*** sandwich. You say something nice about them, then give them the bad news, then top it off with something nice to say. All I can say is that’s a bunch of S***
I’m sorry, but to me, that just seems downright manipulative!
When did we stop being real, genuine, and authentic with each other?
Getting Real In Today’s Unreal World
I know a lot of folks who look at what is unfolding in our current world and cannot believe what they are hearing or seeing.
It is almost as if since Covid the world has been turned upside down and we are more separated and isolated from each other than ever.
We no longer sit down face-to-face, we now have meetings viewed through a screen, or we email or text instead of picking up the phone because it’s safer or quicker. The problem with all this, is that we believe we are effectively communicating and connecting. We are not!
So maybe it’s time to have the conversations, make the phone call, sit down face-to-face and get real with each other?
Maybe if we focused on how to better connect with each other, to better understand each other, we wouldn’t be so disconnected from ourselves and each other!
Imagine that…
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